The last 11 months of my life have been by far the toughest and loneliest of my life. I feel by nature I am a very outgoing person, but over the last year I have found myself becoming an introvert. I'd much rather be alone in my room reading a book, taking a bath, or sleeping. I think it is partly depression and partly that some people just change in time. I am making some changes and with the help of W keeping a watchful eye, realizing when I am spending too much time alone, crying more than normal, or in general acting odd. On to the recent miscarriage- I feel I need to write about it to help the process. Feel free to skip this post if you want :-)

This miscarriage I had in January was different than the one last April. This time is was a blighted ovum, which means the sperm and egg met, the egg was fertilized, but that was the extent of the cell growth. I am of the strong belief that the life of a child begins at conception- I believe when the egg and sperm meet and and the one lucky sperm makes his way in, life begins. It's up to God what happens and if that egg will become a baby in 9 months, but the starts of life have begun. People have voiced their opinions on the fact that this time we do not lose a baby- which is fine, we are all entitled to our own opinions. Thankful most of the people who's opinions and thoughts matter to me, know it was a baby and have not tried to minimize my loss. We knew something was wrong from the beginning- I went in a day after finding out I was pregnant and my numbers were very low. I was told that I would probably miscarry over the weekend(it was a Friday), but if didn't the dr would see me the following Wednesday. The weekend was very tough, I was constantly running to the bathroom checking things out. When I wasn't in the bathroom, I was laying in bed crying feeling utterly alone. We made the decision to not tell our family about the pregnancy until we knew it was not going to end in miscarriage. The were a couple of people who knew, but other than cancelled plans and a text to see if I'd be at work, there was silence. In a way, the silence was good because it gave me time to grieve what I knew was coming, think about how I expect too much from friends, and made me rely on W during a time when I was trying to avoid letting my guard down around him. We survived the weekend and start to the week and my bloodwork at the Wednesday appt showed an increase in numbers and I was started on progesterone since that level was still a little low. They scheduled me for another appt the following week with and ultrasound- which is when we got the bad news. The screen showed an odd shaped little oval (not the normal round gestational sac) and areas where it was already starting to detach and prepare to be miscarried. This was much easier to take this time though- the last time we saw 2 very perfect little babies in normal sacs. It was very apparent they made it to a certain point in growth and God took them home to heaven. I chose to wait and see if my body would miscarry on it's own- which it did on Friday Jan 21st. It was the most traumatic, painful thing I have ever experienced. My husband showed me a love like no other during that time- he called my mom and a friend who is an OB/GYN doctor's nurse for advice, called my doctor to find out what he needed to do to take the edge off my pain as well as what to expect, when to his parents house at 10 at night to get some pain medication for me (his mom had just had back surgery and it was faster to get something from her than drive all the way to Savannah to pick something the dr called in up), made sure our children had no idea what was going on in the bedroom that night, and in general made me feel and know I was not alone.
Things are getting a little better each day. I do not understand why this happened to me again, but I know it happened for a reason. Could have been to show me who and what really matter in life- could just be a part of a much bigger picture that has yet to come into focus. My body is still having some problems getting back on track hormone-wise so I am taking birth control for this month to help even things out.... oh how I despise birth control and it's *nauseating* side effects! Like I mentioned in my last post, W and I have been navigating some rocky terrain lately, but things are getting more positive by the day. We still have bad moments, but nothing like the recent past. I am still convinced that marriage will always be work, the problems just get less significant as time goes and you learn what things do and not matter in the grand scheme of it all. It's the things that matter in the Kingdom of Heaven that matter, not those of the Kingdom of Earth. I'm writing this at 11 at night- so I probably need to call it a night, edit in the morning, and get some sleep. P broke his ankle last Thursday and is now in a cast- so that will be the next thing I will write about I guess! Hope everyone is having a good week so far!