Happy *late* 2011! I hope your year is off to a decent start- mine started out a little rocky, but is on a path that is a little "smoother" right now! I have been hesitant to blog for a while because I felt like I had nothing good or positive to say. Since my last blog in November many things have happened in my life: K turned 2, I turned 30, I found out I was pregnant on January 6th and lost the baby on January 21st (I'll write more about this later- it's a detailed post that I want to get out), Will and I began a marriage class that is slowly transforming our marriage and the way we relate and deal with one another, I'm learning deep things about myself and the unrealistic expectations I place on others and myself, learning that I can not expect people in my life to be perfect and never let me down- because I am not that way, P turned 11 and N will be 10 on the 17th, went on an amazing Valentine's dinner date with my hubby this past weekend, and learned how to lay hardwood flooring on Sunday!


As you can see, we have been pretty busy the last month and 1/2. W and I have had some *extreme* marital trials during this time, but are starting to turn a corner thanks to a wonderful book we are reading and video series we are watching at a marriage class at church. They are is nothing more comforting to be in a room with other couples and talk candidly about some of your struggles and know that you are not alone. It's also good to hear from couples who have been marriage for 15+ years that have managed to survive the bad fights and come out stronger. The main thing I have learned so far in the 6 lessons of 10 we have done is the pure and simple fact that I am a sinner who is married to a sinner and we live in a fallen world full of sinners just like us. W is not perfect and in some ways, I have expectations I am having to change of him. Many of my expectations have been extreme and unrealistic to expect of anyone. I am learning to change the expectations of have of friends and family too. A lot of my unhappiness in life over the past few years has been directly related to high expectations of others that are never met and leave me mad, upset, and/ or disappointed. I was setting the people I care the most about up for failure without even realizing it. I was also blaming my bad mood in many cases on those failures- when in fact it was my own issue that put me in that mood not them. An example that has stuck with me since session 1 of our class is when you shake a bottle of water, water comes out- not because you shook the bottle, but because that is what was inside. When I am shaken to my core and angry words come out of my mouth or into my head, it is not the fault of the person who shook me- those thoughts and word have always been on my heart and mind just waiting to come out. That's tough to realize and digest. I am well aware that a 10 week class is not going to fix my marriage for good- I am convinced that marriage is a life long fixing-process, the things that need fixing just get less threatening as time goes on. I have noticed though that as I am more focused on working on myself, my issues, and my struggles- things are getting better with my marriage. The man who told me to “lawyer up” in the heat of a really bad argument is expressing daily how important I and our marriage are to him and that he will fight to the end to keep it intact. The woman who went to her parents for a night to prove a point, is expressing daily her desire to fight to keep her marriage her 2nd priority and the rest of the world-friends, family, work- of lesser importance. We are on the right track... it's not until you realize that only God can fix your marriage and you are willing to admit that you, not your spouse are the problem, that the transformation can start.

I have many reasons to believe that 2011 is going to be a fresh start in many ways for me. I am prepared this may be a year when I loose certain things- it's already started- but I firmly believe that things I am going to gain as a result will be even better!