Many, many things have happened since I last updated the blog- most of which have not been good and are the reason the blog has been neglected. I am still trying to process all that has happened, and will probably write things here and there as I do process things. I am at a crossroads of wanting to get back to normal and resume life and then not being quite ready to do so. Any who, here is the scoop on things for those who do not already know, or only know some of the details.

W and I found out on March 6th that I was pregnant- I had a feeling something was going on, so I tested that morning and gave him the shock of his life since he had no clue I was taking a test. We were not trying to have another baby, but we were also not going out of our way to prevent it other than not DTD during the time I was ovulating. The 4 weeks between finding out and waiting to go to the dr for our first appt was filled with excitement, nervousness, starting to plan on how to make the house work for a family of 6, and discussion of needing a bigger car. We told friends, family, and coworkers of our "surprise" blessing and were met with mostly exciting responses. On Good Friday we went into the dr for the first appt and u/s to get the exact due date and see our little bean for the first time. From the moment the u/s tech started the scan, W said he could tell by the look on her face something was not right. Shortly into the scan I also noticed something was not right and we were delivered some shocking and very sad news. I was pregnant with identical twins and neither had a heartbeat. They were also only measuring 6w5d and 7w and I was 2 days shy of 8 weeks pregnant by my LMP. We were crushed. Nothing, absolutely nothing, prepares you for news like that. I had no signs what so ever that something was not right- no spotting, cramping, and my morning sickness was still in high gear along with other pregnancy symptoms. I think those facts were what made it all the harder. My dr's office set me up for a follow up appt for the following Thursday for another u/s- which gave us 6 days to go over a million and 1 scenarios in our heads of what the outcome could be and left me feeling like a ticking time bomb waiting for something to happen. We received all kinds of advice, words of encouragement, and prayers during that time which were very comforting and appreciated. Some people were expecting the outcome to change, but I must be honest as bad as it seems, I never expected anything to change. It wasn't that I did not think God had the power to change things, or that I thought my dr was wrong- it was just that it was easy to accept everything, start the grieving process, and start living in survival mode.

When we went for the follow-up, every thing was the same- the babies were the exact same size as the week prior and still had no heartbeats. We met with my dr after the u/s and discussed the options since it was a missed miscarriage and my body had yet to recognize I was no longer pregnant and start the process. I made the decision to have a D&C and they scheduled it for me the following Thursday. That was probably the toughest decision I have ever had to make- part of me wanted to give my body time to start the process and the other part wanted to just have the surgery so I would not have to see physical proof of what happened. Up until having K in 2008, I had never been in the hospital in my life (except for my own birth) - so even the thought of being there scared me to death. I cried everyday up to the surgery and cried like a baby the day of surgery- the worst part was saying bye to my parents and W and knowing that when I woke back up- the last evidence of the little lives inside of me would be gone. I know that they went to heaven long before I even knew what happened, but up until the surgery I still felt very pregnant. The surgery went very well and except for some slight cramping and bleeding, I am physically doing ok. Mentally- I am still a mess. I am still very much in survival mode trying to finish one day only to have to figure out how to start the next.

Along with great friends and family, one thing that has helped me a little was the early arrival of Angie Smith's book “I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy". Angie wrote the book about the loss she experience when sweet little Audrey was born and lived for 2.5 miraculous hours on this earth. This book has helped me so much- even though my babies never made it far enough to enter this world, the loss is still real and stings. This book has been good to read too because I have been reading Angie's Blog - Bring the Rain- since she started it and reading this has been much anticipated. I feel like I have lived part of the story along with her and it is comforting to read her words and see what an encouragement she is even in times of deep sorrow. I recommend this book to anyone who has ever experience any type of loss of someone very close- not just a child. Angie does an excellent job of showing and illustrating how Jesus never changes, even in the sad time, and his love is always constant and real.

Things are getting better as time progresses. I still have moments where I just break down and cry and seek answers to questions I will never know this side of heaven. W and I do not know what the future holds in regards to more children- we have been very blessed already with 3 wonderful children and that is 3 more than most people have. People have told me that we will know when the time is right- if ever- and to wait until we both feel ready. I do not wish to ever have to go through this type of physical, mental, and emotional pain ever again- and would not wish it on my worst enemy- but I feel like it has truly made both W and I stronger as a couple and individuals. During this time, we covet your prayers and appreciate each and every one of them. I am a date person, and have a very hard time forgetting dates. These dates in April and our EDD in November are ones I am hoping I will be able to forget though- and I know God has the power to do that so I am praying it will happen.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter with family- I will try to upload some pictures on here when I get a chance to share with everyone. K was a big girl this year and got to do some Easter egg hunting so we have some fun pictures to share! Hope everyone is having a great week!